Easton Turns 10...

July 10, 2017

I have lived ten years without you here

I have laughed with my children

Wondering what your laugh would sound like

I loved you then, just as I love you now

You are etched into my heart,

Sewn into my tears

Waking up at night, and feeling you near

I look to the shadows

And wonder if you are there.

An angel a star my hope in the clouds

Whispering to you, but there is no sound.

How could it be ten years, since that day?

The ironic thing is, I can’t wish it away.

Because you are as real to me

As the flowers in my garden that bloom for you,

The sunlight that warms my face

And the rain that drowns out my sorrows.

My tiny boy, my perfect son.

I hold the key to a space in my soul

It will always stay locked

Until that day, when I can set it free

And for one sweet moment,

It will just be you and me.

Suffocation....

It's that time of year...summer..one of the best season's of the year, and also one of the hardest for me. I start to feel suffocated, anxious, irritable and sad. And NO matter what I do to stop it, I cannot. I feel bad, because I probably take it out on those I love most, and do not mean to. But I can't help feel what I feel. I miss my son. I miss not being able to see an almost 6 year old little boy, and what he would have loved to do, what he would have looked like and sounded like. It breaks my heart. It sometimes seems unfair, and I ask myself over and over again about why did this happen, and on the other end I hear silence. I'll admit it, I am extra tired, extra moody, and I just feel blah. I know it will pass as it does ever year, but I am starting to feel suffocated, and like I can't catch a breath.....

Bright yellow daisies and fresh cut grass

Summer evening rain storms, the smell of sun tan lotion

Summer; Baseball and the 4^th of July

Tangy lemonade and strawberry shortcake

A tortured memory amongst the joy

An early morning in July, when I had to say goodbye

Ten little fingers and ten little toes, a cute nose just like Daddy

The summer I love, that gave me a gift, and took it back just as quickly

Water fights and children’s giggles, strength in the hands of my love

I cannot dislike you, Summer

Because you gave me a glimpse of my first child

My son, Who is now our summer Angel

We buried him in baby blue, just like the summer skies

The tangerine sunsets, swirled in a brush of pink

Calm my wounded soul, and allow for a soft, quiet smile to form

The twinkling stars, I often wished on as a young girl, shine best on July nights

My little star, Easton; I know burns bright

Windows rolled down in the car, light summer breeze rustling through my hair

A favorite song blasting on the radio; thankful for life, thankful for him

Sweet garlic and veggie kabobs on the grill, bug zappers, zapping away

Family and friends laughter flowing through the air

And Summer, I thank you.

Although stray tears often fall, and wistfulness thoughts appear

My heart is happy, because I have hope.

Hope of many summers to come filled with joyful memories of the past, and the future.

So my dear summer, my friend, until my son and I meet again

I shall wish for summer’s soft warm touch

On bleak, cold winter days, sunlight rays that kiss my skin

And remind me of many other happy days. My summer, my favorite, my love.

Feelings....

Red is the color of lips kissed goodbye, anger that simmers within, and the question is asked why

Blue melts into purple, on a cold winter’s day

Ice shimmers in the snow, with no words left to say

 A light orange sunset that burns in the sky, feeling so distant, the eyes start to cry

Soft pinkish cheeks that make it all go away

The days you wanted gone, you now wish them to stay

Soft yellow flowers that grow in the sun, realizing now, true love has begun

Crystal clear laughter, that turns into giggles, sweet baby boys that have so many wiggles!

The colors of life, that lift us up and not down

Leave us feeling happy, not wanting to frown

Red turns into love, so real and so right, realizing now that you won that hard fight

A twinkle in the eye, and a smile in the heart, no more will your world crumble apart

Sea green eyes, those were once so sad

Have no more reason for tears, only hope to feel glad

The colors of the rainbow that answered her prayers

The significance of the beauty, is painted everywhere

A blue birds soft song, in a mid morning rain, green grass sprinkled with dandelions again and again

Light azure eyes, with lashes so long

A lullaby sung, baby boy singing along

“I love you mama” he says, as he closes his eyes

And all the colors in the rainbow, whisper to her, and her heart fly’s

Red, yellow, orange, green and blue

There is nothing this heart loves more, than her thoughts of you.

Dear Easton,

Dear Easton,
It is coming up on your 3rd birthday. I can't believe it has been 3 years since we met you for a short time, and then you went back to live with Heavenly Father. We miss you, and we think about you often. Around this time of year my heart always feels a little heavier, a little sadder. I know I can't change the past and what happened, but it is still hard to think about the day we had to send you back to heaven. I think of holding you in my arms, counting your perfect fingers and perfect toes, and I miss you. I know I will see you again, I know you are in a safer, better place, but you are still a part of our family and we feel of your absence. I love you, your Dad loves you and so do Kaili and Karson. We will come visit you next week at your grave and think of the baby you were and the person you will one day become.

Dear Summer,
I love the smells that you bring me
Fresh cut grass, light rain storms,
Fresh flowers, and sun tan lotion
Yet sometimes my heart feels weighted down
Because summer, you also bring me pain
I think of him, my little one
And how that July day he was born
And summer, it makes me sad.
I have so many other things to celebrate
During the summer
And those things do bring me joy.
But yet I cry a little faster,
Get upset a little quicker
And build up some walls inside myself.
He will be 3, you know
I wonder what he would be like
What he would say and what he would do
I often think about those things.
I play the image over and over in my head
Of his chest rising and falling
Holding my angel in my arms for just one
Short, sweet, day
Someone wrote something for me, summer
They said “We know you didn’t want to let him go
But you had to set him free”
I try to be happy, I try not to feel..lost
But during the summer, that same feeling
Always comes back.
A sense of
Remembering what is not with me
I love my life, and the blessings it has brought me
My son I have here with me now
Is my happy note, in my softened, aching song
I keep busy and fill my days with plans
But it’s a feeling living inside of me
So please summer send some peace my way
Lighten my heart and chase away the tears.
I hear him in the wind, rustling in the trees
I see him in the stars staring back at me
The summer nights I lay awake in my bed
Thinking of that day, when my world stopped
For just a moment
So my summer, my friend
Let your magic entice me, let the sun warm my face
I will look to the light, and I will hold onto my happiness
My brightness, in a summer season that can sometimes
Feel dark.

Merry Christmas to my Easton!

Dear Easton,
I wanted to tell you Merry Christmas! I will be thinking of you on Christmas day and wishing that you were here with us. I know that you are busy up in heaven doing lots of good things, but I wanted to wish you Merry Christmas and let you know that your mommy loves you very much!
Lots of love,
Mom

December and my Easton

Last night was a long night.Karson didn't want to sleep unless I was holding him, which makes sleep for me difficult. I was in his room in the rocking chair and he was laying on my cheest and I was listening to his stuffy breathing and even though it was 3:00 in the morning and I was tired, the tears started falling down my face, and I was reminded how lucky I am to have this sweet boy in my life. He helped heal me from my loss of Easton.

We found out I was pregnant with Karson last year the beginning of November. It was my best Christmas gift. I was dreading Christmas. I tried not to think about it too much, but I was supposed to have a one month old baby by Christmas and that wasn't going to happen. I was so sad and so happy at the same time. It was a really wierd place for me. Often in my quiet moments with Karson my thoughts drift to Easton and I wonder about him and think about what he is doing. I always think of the emotions I will feel when I actually get to meet him one day and quite honestly I can't even comprehend it.

So I think that at Christmas time I am always going to have a little emptiness inside, because I miss my son. I look forward to all of the new memories with Karson and Kaili and my other kids yet to come, but we will always be missing someone. It is ok and I accept that he is gone, it's just in those quiet moments where my thoughts drift and I wonder.....