I woke up at around 6:30 am the morning of July 10, 2007 not feeling the greatest. I still decided to take a shower and I told myself I would go into work. In the shower I started feeling really light headed and crampy. Tyler was starting to get worried and thought we should go to the ER. I called my mom and dad, and they came over and Tyler and my dad gave me a blessing. I wasn't really bleeding that much, but I was spotting. On the way to the hospital, I was feeling very anxious and nervous.
We got to the ER at Alta View Hospital at around 8:00 am and they asked me all the normal questions, and checked us in. The first thing they did was an ultrasound and they told me that Easton was fine and moving around and what not, so at that moment I thought we were ok. My fear then was for them to tell me he had died and there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound, you can imagine my relief when they told us other wise.
The pain was getting worse and not going away. They were giving me morphine injections every hour and it would take the pain away for about 10 minutes and then it would come back just as strong. I was going to the bathroom a lot, and I was still bleeding, I told them that, but they just said that at 5 months in pregnancy that was normal. I asked them to do an exam but they said they would only do that very last if they had to, because they didn't want to " start" labor. Deep inside I knew something was wrong with the baby, but I didn't want to believe it.I had to hope otherwise. I felt so bad for Tyler watching me in pain, he felt so helpless because there was nothing that he could do.
They then thought I could have a kidney infection and did an ultrasound on my kidney's but they turned out fine. The next step they were thinking was my appendix was ruptured but in order to find that out for sure they were going to have to do a scope and I would have to be transferred to LDS Hospital by ambulance for that.
Of course it took forever for an ambulance to come and get me, so the hours kept ticking by at the hospital and the pain kept getting worse. I think it was about 1:30 when we finally left Alta View. I was still thinking it was something else and nothing to do with the baby at least I wanted it to be that. By the time the ambulance came, the pain was overwhelming, and strapping me on a hard bed and loading me into the back of the ambulance, didn't help much. Tyler couldn't sit back with me and I hated being there alone. Another thing to add to this ambulance ride was that there was a HUGE accident on the freeway and it took us probably 15 minutes longer to get there than it should have.
At this point I was breathing myself through the contractions and it dawned on me that I had been in labor the whole day. I didn't know that because I had never had a baby before, but that was the only logical answer, the cramping, the light bleeding ( I didn't know this, but my water was slowly leaking out)The paramedic that was with me was really nice and saw how much pain I was in and called LDS and asked them if he could give me something stronger than morphine they told him no that he had to wait until we got to the hospital. ( oh how I wish they would have let him for what was to come) I remember hearing him swear after he hung up the phone, because he was so upset. He too knew I was in much more pain than it seemed.
They wheeled me into LDS hospital and as soon as I got to my room I had to go to the bathroom well I did and it was a gush of blood everywhere. This of course freaked me out,but no one at the hospital seemed to be too concerned. They said " yup that is a lot of blood, but we need to wait for a Dr." I got back into the bed and they tried putting fetal monitors on me, well I was in so much pain, I couldn't stand them on me. It was like a slow moving dream, no one was hurrying, no one was yelling stat, it was odd. Well just at that moment a fierce pain started in my stomach it felt like someone had lit my insides on fire, and then while I was laying in my bed my water broke and blood and water went everywhere and the pain was worsening. There was still no Dr. in the room....and I was sitting in a pile of my own fluids and no one rushed to change the bedding or anything...
Finally the resident came in and asked if I would be comfortable with an exam, I told her I was in so much pain I didn't care. Well she lifted up the sheet and Easton's head was already outside of me and after a couple of more pushes, he was born. I was screaming because I was in so much pain and I was absolutley heart broken. Everything after that was a blurr, they put him on my chest and I saw his little arms and legs move, and his chest go up and down, but they told me he wasn't going to live long, they also asked me right after I gave birth to him if Iwould want an autopsy. Um give me a second to compute everything....
He was perfect 1 pound 11 inches long and he never opened his eyes. He had light fuzz for hair and it was light, not dark like I had thought it would be. He only lived for 30 minutes and then he slipped away from us. I remember telling Tyler how sorry I was over and over because I truly felt like it was my fault. I felt like a failure as a mother, a woman and a human being. What did I do wrong, that I couldn't keep my baby? It's really hard writing this because when I really think of the events of that day it makes me sick to my stomach.
The diagnosis was that I had somehow contracted an infection in my membranes, no one knew how or why I got the infection. My white blood cell count at Alta View was at 12,000 which is high,but not too high, by the time we got to LDS Hospital I was at 19,000 which is high. My body was doing the natural thing and pushing out what was causing the infection, if the infection would have passed on to my bloodstream and then to my heart, the complications for me could have been much more drastic.
Tyler was able to bless him in our hospital room that day pretty soon after he was born. The emotional stress that this caused Tyler and I was heart wrenching. It took us a good 3 months to get back into the swing of things. TIME truly is God's best healing technique I think. The first two weeks I thought the ache, the tears, the dreams, the pain would never end. I couldn't go to sleep unless I took a sleeping pill, because every time I closed my eyes, I relived that day. I remember the day I got back from the Hospital Tyler had to go into work to do some things and I couldn't sleep so I watched " It's A Wonderful Life" in the middle of July, the hottest month of the year.I tried to focus, I tired to rely on what I knew to be true, that this wasn't the end, life is wonderful and I would see him again. I knew I would smile again and laugh again, but I also knew I didn't need to rush it.
I was never really angry, but I did want to know why. Why did I lose a child, and a woman down the street was able to keep hers? Why did I see babies everywhere that I went? Why did the 15 year old girl in High School get pregnant, her first time she had sex, and got to keep her baby? Why? But those questions of mine will never be answered and after time I came up with my own answer's.
As soon as you are pregnant you become connected with the child living and growing inside of you. Easton was my first baby, my first experience of being pregnant, and I will always consider him my first son. Even though I was not able to learn his personality here on earth and watch him grow, I love him just as much now as if I would have been able to have that relationship with him. I know that some day I will. It gets easier every day, but you never forget, you always remember.
I created this website because so many people have dealt with the same thing that Tyler and I did. It's nice to have people out there who can relate to you in different ways. On the days I think of Easton it will be nice to have a place to share some thoughts, or poems, and feelings. He is a part of our family forever.
