Last night was a long night.Karson didn't want to sleep unless I was holding him, which makes sleep for me difficult. I was in his room in the rocking chair and he was laying on my cheest and I was listening to his stuffy breathing and even though it was 3:00 in the morning and I was tired, the tears started falling down my face, and I was reminded how lucky I am to have this sweet boy in my life. He helped heal me from my loss of Easton.
We found out I was pregnant with Karson last year the beginning of November. It was my best Christmas gift. I was dreading Christmas. I tried not to think about it too much, but I was supposed to have a one month old baby by Christmas and that wasn't going to happen. I was so sad and so happy at the same time. It was a really wierd place for me. Often in my quiet moments with Karson my thoughts drift to Easton and I wonder about him and think about what he is doing. I always think of the emotions I will feel when I actually get to meet him one day and quite honestly I can't even comprehend it.
So I think that at Christmas time I am always going to have a little emptiness inside, because I miss my son. I look forward to all of the new memories with Karson and Kaili and my other kids yet to come, but we will always be missing someone. It is ok and I accept that he is gone, it's just in those quiet moments where my thoughts drift and I wonder.....
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3 comments:
I know my mom still feels this way because she lost a son as well... he would have been the only sibling younger than me and he passed away on Christmas Eve. It is something she thinks about every year even though it was about 25 years ago but she also knows she'll be (and we all will) with him again.
It is an amazing knowledge we are all blessed with. I am so thankful that I believe in that.
Thanks for making me cry! I know how you feel. Today has been especially hard for me. I don't know if you know I am pregnant, surprise! Anyways it was really surprising to find this out. Truly a blessing! Today I just started feeling completely overwhelmed. (My husband also got laid off a few weeks back.) I thought I can't have another one, am I ready, I can't do this. Thanks for lifting me up and making me remember that every pregnancy is a true blessing. I know Luke has helped me heal, but every once and I while I just let the tears come for Emily. I feel that same emptiness around the summer. Last year my little Christmas present came on the 29th. Year after year my husband would ask me what I wanted for Christmas and all I could say is a healthy baby. This is the first year I get to celebrate with my baby. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. There is comfort in knowing that others have similar thoughts.
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